Az. Abv: Azhar. Def: Bhaji Chav.

Antndec. Def: schizophrenic.

Alcopop. Def: breastfed on Breezers.

Antwon. Def: son of pretentious illiterate. Also: Antoine, Antwan, Antwank.

Armani. Def: shiny and expensive. Bit of a limp Lolo Rosso rather than an Italian stallion.

Ashley. Def: asexual. Also: Ashlee, Ashleigh, Fagashly.

Aaliyaah. Def: dark and skinny, verging on the decomposing.

Albert. Def: short and stout, old-timer Chav.

Alesha. Def: don't come round here after dark or I'll 'ave ya. Also: Aleesha, Aleisha.

Baz. Abv: Barry. Def: Mad as a hatter with less dress sense.

Britney.Def: eats her own children. Also Brittany, Briteny, Briittney, madbitch.

Bethany. Def: smells of sheep. Also Betheny, B'theny.

Bianca. Def: ginger slag.

Barrak O'Bampot. Def: Irish Chav with political aspirations.

Brianne. Def: has aunts called Brigitte and Anne.

Bev. Abv: Beverley. Def: Old slapper. Falling into disrepute as it no longer features in any soap operas.

Brandy. Def: orange and bitter.

Boris. Def: Eton Bumboy.

Bastard. Def: generic name in common usage where mother was too wasted to fill in the birth register correctly.

Bing. Def: slag heap. Named after mother's council house.

Bex. Abv: Rebekka. Def: fat and ugly with a horrible personality. Also: Becs, Beks, Keks.

Chas. Abv: Charles. Def: Too posh to pee.

Chardonnay. Def: lover of fine colourful beverages, such as WKD, Breezers and Midori.

Chels. Abv: Chelsea. Def: Easy on the eye, hard on the wallet. Also Chelsey, Chertsey.

Coleen. Def: Bog Chav.

Casey. Def: lives out a suitcase. Also: Kasey, K'see, KC, KayCee.

Chantelle. Def: dances on lap. Also Chanel, Channel, Anal.

Charlene. Def: peroxide dwarf.

Courtney. Def: pusher of double buggy.

Chase. Def: heroin addict.

Cruz. Def: born on a boat.

Chvonne. Def: can't spell Siobhan. Also Shivon, Shivaun, Chifon.

Daz. Abv: Darren. Def: bit posh. Father hung around for the birth.

DogBreath. Def: youngest of nine and sleeps with the Rottweiler in the kitchen.

Dwayne. Def: takes drugs and runs fast. Also Duwane, d'Vain, InVain.

Delilah. Def: Old Testament slapper. Also d'Lilo, D'Lie, Delite.

Del. Abv: Derek. Def: nasal ablution.

Dannii. Abv: Daanniii. Def: aspire to be second.

Dolce. Abv: Dolcelatte. Def: smells like cheese. For twins only, paired with GobbieGabbana.

Destiny. Def: someone else's fault.

Dionne. Def: insipid.

Dweeb. Def: introverted and quiet, good with computers and reads comics. Mother thinks he must be someone else's.

Elle. Def: wistful dreams of tropical paradise.

Ecky. Def: polite derivative of specky.

Ethan. Def: Nan fancied Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.

Ebony. Abv: Ebonny-Maroon.

Faz. Abv: Faisal. Def: prince of Chav.

FanDan. Def: Nan fancied Daniel Craig in the new James Bond movie.

Fubar. Def: perfectly normal Chav.

Firkin. Def: Old Man drinks Real Ale.

Frankee. Abv: Francesca. Def: chipshop Chav.

Frank. Abv: Francis. Def: old-timer Chav always just out the nick.

Fergie. Def: can dance, sing, fart AND chew gum at the same time.

Gaz. Def: enough hot air to float the Millenium Dome.

Gus. Abv: Gusset. Def: slack round the bawbag.

Gel. Abv: Geraldine. Def: enamoured of Mick Hucknall.

Gerbil. Def: small furry Chav, sometimes eaten by the mother.

Gracie. Def: there but for the grace of God...

Growler. Def: takes her mother's looks.

'Arry. Abv: Harry. Def: Runner-up.

Humpty. Def: Chav with a hump.

Honey. Def: sweet with a bitter sting. Also Hunni.

Harrison. Def: Great-Nan fancied Harrison Ford in Star Wars.

Hallie. Abv: Halitosis. Def: manky minger. Also Haley, Whaley.

Innit. Def: it's my second kid, innit?.

Indigo Moon. Def: watches too much QVC.

India. Def: conceived in India after mother went to Goa on the compensation from suing the council because they didn't provide a nursery nurse at school for her in addition to a personal classroom assistant after baby Teegan-Oranda was born.

Ibitha. Def: mother shagged senseless on the beach in Ibiza 9 months earlier.

Irish. Def: fathered by a passing traveller.

Jas. Abv: James. Def: eats rat-droppings.

Jay-cee. Def: sins for others. Also Jay-Zee, Chaycee.

Jayden. Def: either Jay or Den was the father.

Jodrell. Def: looks to the stars.

Jermaine. Def: Curly hair. Also: Jermayne, Germane, German, Hun.

Jordan. Def: thick, dirty, disease-ridden river in the middle east. Don't touch with a barge-pole in case you catch something.

Jake. Def: mother wants a 4 by 4 for the school run. Not to be confused with Jakey: Glaswegian for a down-and-out.

Jasper. Def: likes carrots and root vegetables.

Kaz. Abv: Katherine. Def: cuddly as a slug.

Kylie. Def: pop princess. Also KaiLee.

Kelly. Def: temporary girlfriend. Better than nothing, but you wouldn't want it to hang around.

Kali. Def: Indian Chavette. To be watched closely. Also Cali.

Kayleigh. Def: Nan liked the 80s ballad. Or she smells like a kipper.

Keeley. Def: slapper.

Kel. Abv: Kevin. Def: foppish Hair.

Kanye. Def: hops around.

Kai. Def: 70s reject Viking Chav.

Kyle. Def: shits in shop doorways.

Kane. Def: foppish Hair

Keira. Def: will need silicon when older. Not to mention a good dinner.

Lake. Def: wets the bed.

Leigh. Def: purveyor of knock-off.

Lee. Def: can't spell Leigh.

Leyton. Def: oriental east ender.

Latoyah. Def: sickly-pale Chav. Also Latoilet, L'etoile.

Lateeshah. Def: bless you.

Lyle. Def: conceived behind the Tate Modern.

Levi. Def: bad genes.

Lobo. Def: Loco Mex Chav from the Tapas bar.

Mel. Abv: Melanie. Def: Scary Chav.

McKenzie. Def: thinks Big Brother is great TV. Wild and woolly, face like a sheep.

Macey. Def: aspires to work in a corner shop.

Mercedes. Def: conceived in the back seat (of a Nova).

Madison. Def: walks the avenue.

Mags. Abv: Margaret. Def: Has Scottish Grandmother who might leave something in her will.

Maz. Abv: Margaret. Def: Has Chav Grandmother who might leave something in the toilet.

Naz. Abv: Nazim. Def: Kebab Chav.

Nicci. Abv: Nicola. Def: pretty sweaty. Also Nikki, N'Ki.

Nat. Abv: Natalie. Def: nippy sweety. Also Naterly, Natlee.

Nicole. Def: a simpleton.

Nathan. Def: mother had a one-nighter in the City.

Naomi. Def: suffers from a violent madness.

Nasgul. Def: doesn't like hobbits. Mother didn't see the point of Lord of the Rings.

Oprah. Def: she's fat, she's thin, she's fat, she's thin...

Opera. Def: browses the Internet.

Opal. Def: smart as a stone.

Orville. Def: really, really annoying.

Paris. Def: vacuous alien from another planet.

Pharrell. Def: insipid and irritating. Also: Ph'Rel, Farrel.

Pete. Def: really orange.

Paige. Abv: PageThree. Def: aspires to modelling stardom.

PrincessTittyBooFUKFUK. Def: mother is a grisly Chav glamour model.

Quaz. Abv: Quasimodo. Def: grump with a hump.

Queenie. Def: lap-dancing granny from the Spearmint Udder.

Quentin. Def: porn star.

Queequeg. Def: tattooed sailor from Down Under - Chatham.

Romeo. Def: asexual unfortunate, abandoned to Nanny at birth.

Roni. Def: wearer of ridiculous ear-rings. Also: Ronni, Ronniei.

Roxanne. Def: turns off the red light.

Reece. Def: loves peanuts.

Ryder. Def: always on the move.

Randy. Def: all the time.

Rollmop. Def: Icelandic Chav.

Shaz. Abv Sharon. Def: a thorny rose with no flower. Also Sharron, Charona, Charon.

Spaz. Def: dances goofily.

Skanky Shitehouse. Def: has a great voice but is rancid, with things living in her hair.

Shiloh. Def: doomed to be a fruitloop from birth. Abv: Shiloh Pitt. Not to be confused with Piloh Shit.

Sam. Def: Sex change Samantha. A Chavrodite. The worst of both worlds.

Shel. Def: will deffo do it in the bus shelter. Abv: Michelle.

Stacey. Def: hair colourist. Sister to Tracey, Macey, KayCee and JC.

Sky. Def: Nan bought a satellite dish from Taz down the Janissaries Arms.

Scarlett. Def: diseased. Abv: Scarlettina.

Taz. Def: a wee devil. Alt: a Turkish chav.

Topaz. Def: a wee gem. Alt: thick as a shiny stone.

Tamzin. Def: wooden actress.

Tamaratitwank. Def: It girl with hideous personality.

Tracey. Def: bulimic hairdresser.

Tel. Abv: Terence. Def: Works hard with wankers.

Tiff. Abv: Tiffany. Def: tastes like an ashtray. Also: TiFanny.

Ty. Abv: Tyrone. Def: outdated.

Trey. Def: likes a game of brag.

Tiegan. Def: mother is mental. Also Teegan, T'gan.

Uwaz. Abv: Uwais Def: raghead Chav. More rabid ferret than small wolf.

Ugly Betty. Def: Fat Chav with braces, spots and specs. Also: Sweaty Betty, UglyStickElizabeth.

UtUbe. Def: Internet phenomenon.

Yaz. Def: sings well with an autotuner.

Yolanda. Def: Lithuanian Chav.

Yarbles. Def: literary father.

Z??

You must be kidding.

Have you ever met a Chav who could get this far in the alphabet?

Chavs can't spell Z.